Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.