me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
👾👾👾
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.