My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
From my Mom
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF