Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.