Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
😂💯
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk