[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My time has come.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.