So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Breaking news:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space