Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.