Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: