In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If only.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Breaking news:
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]