You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.