That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I like long walks away from everyone
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
With this onion ring, I thee fed
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Just say no
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files