*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.