Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?