A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.