I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
c’mon!
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*