8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣