Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there鈥檚 still like 3 fries left.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn鈥檛 say he loved making toast in the bath
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn鈥檛 get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it鈥檚 everyone鈥檚 problem 馃檮
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I鈥檓 sorry sir I can鈥檛 let you in.
ME: Please! I鈥檒l be quick.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what鈥檚 up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it鈥檚 probably pasture bedtime (i鈥檓 so sorry)
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn鈥檛 stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”