anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.