Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.