Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
You Might Also Like
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now