Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.