I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Fight
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that