When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet