The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)