My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
nobody’s gonna understand
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Friday night party time 🥳
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries