I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
S O O N
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.