If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You Might Also Like
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.