*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.