Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You Might Also Like
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?