SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Sign of the day..
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send