If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow