Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
These aren’t even hard anymore.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.