therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Breaking news:
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]