My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops