My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You Might Also Like
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
#FunnyLife Insects
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.