You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You Might Also Like
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Social distancing in Australia:
Breaking news:
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]