It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Sex so good you see dead people.