Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.