My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You Might Also Like
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks