I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?