I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
🤣dope
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight