Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit