My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My life in a nutshell
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Breaking news:
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
that de-escalated quickly
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband