I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that