The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.