You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Feel. He’s so soft.