Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.