Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET