Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[loses house key, starts a new life]
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
B
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend